If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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