I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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