She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
