I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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