she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
We need a shit load of segways right now
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Randomize
