i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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