Have you finally orgasmed yet?
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize