I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
