In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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