do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
