and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
it was like eating out sand paper
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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