i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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