and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
