Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
