I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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