I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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