she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
