If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
