This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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