So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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