My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
