I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize
