We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
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