Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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