just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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