i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
