hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
