sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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