I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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