Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
no you cant smoke seaweed
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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