So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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