Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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