All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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