she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
