I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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