after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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