So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Randomize
