there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Two words: nipple clamps
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