We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
