And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
It's never too late to be topless.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
