i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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