Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
