I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
