i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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