I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
