I hate all girls vehemently.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
