When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
