apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
