I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
