I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
