Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
