U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
