The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
