Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
