I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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