M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
