I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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