We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
