I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
