Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize