I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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