It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
i will never coherently bang her
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
